La

A few weeks ago, I matched with a girl on Bumble named "La". My opening comment to her was that that was a cool name, wondering if it was short for something, but she ignored the question.

She was relatively attractive compared to what I normally match with, though her pictures were limited. She was black, which was also a bit unusual, but that wasn't a bad thing, of course. Just different.

We got to talking, and it was going okay, but I eventually felt like I was losing some interest, especially because I think I was also pursuing a few other people at the same time that seemed like more viable candidates. Eventually the conversation sort of petered out.

But after a few days of silence, she pinged me again and struck the conversation back up. At one point she steered to conversation to board games, where she told me she would win at board games by distracting me with her boobs.

I don't really know how to handle sex talk when chatting with a girl on a dating app. Some people are very forward, others don't bother bringing it up at all. My go-to reaction when chatting with a girl is to reciprocate whatever they are putting into it, and try to go toe-to-toe with them in terms of subject matter, banter, and messaging style. But also, by low-level gut doesn't let me suggest to a girl that we should engage in sexual conduct. So when they are the ones to bring up sex, the best that I can do is talk about sex in the abstract but I don't feel right implying that the two of us should have sex. It leads to some very strange conversations that usually end with me explaining my position, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it can be confusing and disappointing for them, especially if they are seeking validation from the conversation. I'm not great at it.

So I responded to La saying that her distraction technique would probably work. The conversation moved to her asking if I was a boob guy, which I said I was. I then asked her what she tended to go for, with the implication that she should say what sorts of physical traits normally turned her on (beards? butts? biceps? abs?)

She said she liked getting her boobs sucked,

At that point I had a decision to make. I could respond with the obvious response of something to degree of "I could help you out with that", or I could deflect. I chose to deflect, giving a non-answer saying "I can get behind that" (a phrase she didn't understand). Anyway, she asked me what I "go for" and I had to be honest and say that I didn't know because I've never had sex.

She seemed surprised, but she also thought it was "awesome" that I masturbated, so I guess cool. But she wasn't put off by my position. Instead, she offered to let me practice on her and suck her boobs.

This was the most overt sexual proposition I had ever received. I've had a girl (Jessica) try to do sexy talk with me over text, which I rebuffed; I've had a girl (Alyssa) ask me to come over to the ER and mess around, and another time ask me to come cuddle with her, both of which I also rebuffed; and I've had another girl (Anna) tell me she would never push me to do something sexually that I didn't want to do, but I think she would have been willing to sleep together if I had pushed for it. But this was so crazily explicit: "I want you to come and suck on my boobs with no strings attached".

To be clear, she was not looking for a relationship, just a hookup. I said to let me at least take her on a date first and she said no dating.

It was a very clear offer and I still turned it down. But I absolutely cannot stop thinking about it, and the very though still turns me on. There's sometimes even a part of me that wished that I did it. I've fantasized about what that would have been like, and just that very thought and that feeling of freedom to unleash my desire has been enough for me to jack off to. Even writing this now I've got a fucking boner.

Was I right to turn that down? If she hadn't unmatched me, would I have messaged her back to see if the offer was still open by now?

Over the last few weeks there have been times I have masturbated thinking about this, and the common thread is that as soon as I finish, I feel a wave of gratitude that I didn't go through with it, because it would have just been thinking with my dick. Maybe that's just the refractory period talking, but I guess there's at least some part of me that acknowledged that it would have been bad for me to do that.

Or would it have been? My absolute dysfunction around sex has verged on debilitating when it comes to relationships, and I seem to place this huge value on maintaining my virginity, because I don't want to "mess it up", whatever "it" is. This was a case where the person was explicitly not looking for a relationship and I was allowed to go into it without fearing hurting someone, right?

What is my actual reasoning for not having sex yet? Because I don't want to dishonor my family somehow, or even feel like I'm lying to them? I don't want to bear their disappointment if I lose my virginity before marriage? Why do I care so much what they think? Am I not a grown ass adult?

What's going to happen the next time this happens? Am I going to say yes, knowing the vague regret that I have about this instance? Or will I continue to hold the line? What do I actually want to do? Why are there two warring voices inside of me about this?

I guess it seems like such a big deal because virginity is all-or-nothing? Like somehow losing my virginity will permanently damage future sexual relationships? That's what I've always been taught. Maybe I'm putting virginity and sex on way too high of a pedestal here, and just need to experience it and see it as a natural thing to do.

Or maybe that's the trap? Fuck I don't know. I really wish I could come to a conclusion about this. My situation isn't exactly improving here.

What up tho

Hot damn, I can't believe I managed to find the login information to this blog. It's a fucking miracle.

There's a post making the rounds on the HA Alumni Facebook page asking who everyone's crushes were at Teen Mania. The ones I remember most vividly were Katie Schenk (now Gitthens), Marisa Goodwin (now Miller), Bethany Clapp (now Lowndes), and Claire Burns (unmarried?). But thinking about this caused me to conjure a memory about journaling a struggle over my attraction to Katie, which caused me to fish up my old journal from the HA to see if I could find it. I didn't find it, but past me, the absolute unit, added a reminder to the header of one of the journal pages that I actually used this journal as my main thing now. I can't fucking believe I forgot about this, I can't believe it still exists, and I can't believe I managed to recover the login info. Maybe God is real after all.

But really what this experience taught me was just how valuable journaling has been. Not necessarily because it helps me process things better (though perhaps it does), but it leaves incredible bread crumbs of my life story behind. I mean, yeah, I was shit at it, but at least I have something to remind me of what my life was like in the past and where I've come from. I mean fuck, I have entries dating back to 2002 in paper, where I was freaking out about having a crush on Elizabeth Jones in, what 9th grade? Christ.

The real journal entries started at the HA in 2005. I've changed a lot in 15 years. Back then, I was still pretty deep in Christianity. I wrote a lot of the classic Christianese. I can't even read a lot of those entries. The entries where I was honest about what I was feeling are the ones that are gold. Even though I considered early 2007 to be the moment where I started moving away from Christianity, I can still see the seeds of that struggle as early as 2006. Honestly, when plumbing my memories, I can see it even as early as high school, feeling guilty about not "doing my devos" (like the time where Judy Newman metaphorically "kicked me in the face" for asking us at lunch what we've been learning in our devotions).

I think I've gained a lot of self confidence since then. I think a lot of my self-doubt originated from consternation over my conflicting feelings about Christianity. I couldn't reconcile the way I actually felt about myself and about life with the way I had been taught to live growing up. I lived in a bubble for far, far too long, and didn't really come into my own until moving to Bellingham, where I had escaped the reaches of my familial influences and could finally be my own person. Not to suggest I plunged headlong into hedonism -- I'm still a fucking virgin after all -- but I learned to be honest with myself about the things that I loved and enjoyed. I almost added "believed" there, but I'm not sure I'm honest with myself about that either right now. There's still a miniscule part of me that wants to end up back in Christianity some day, but it gets smaller and smaller as the years go on. There's a part of me that feels pain at the idea that I'm not a Christian anymore, like I've fucked up somehow and made the wrong decision. Or rather, made a decision by omission.

Romance is still fucko. As I said, I'm still a virgin, still never had a girlfriend, still never kissed anyone. I put my arm around a girl in Winter of 2018. That's as far as I've gotten. There was a girl a few months ago named Anna that I got along with really well, but I think ultimately I wasn't attracted to her. I still wonder if I made the right decision on that one, but I have to trust myself that I knew what I felt.

The big issue for me, still, is that with all these dating apps, it's impossible to attract the people I am attracted to unless I, myself, get more attractive (i.e. lose weight). The good news is that I'm down to 290 after doing keto for a year (I was almost 280 before the virus hit). I still have a ways to go, though, and keto doesn't feel like it's as effective as it used to be. So that's frustrating. Anyway, I get maybe an average of 2-3 conversations per month on these apps and rarely are they interesting at all. Sometimes the girl is completely passive in the conversation, or replies really intermittently, or there's just absolutely no connection.

It's tough to not lower my standards. Part of me just wants somebody to love me, but on dating apps, I only seem to get attention reciprocated by people I don't find attractive. It fucking sucks. I've always felt like it would be better to build a friendship with a girl that grew into something more, but I hardly have any girls in my life anymore since graduating college. It's a goddamn sausage party.

James is getting married in November. I don't think it's surprising to anybody that he was the first. Not sure what Elisa's status is, though, as her dating prospects seem as bleak as mine. I think her issue, though, is that she has incredibly high standards on the kind of guy she wants to date, and I honestly don't know if that person exists. Fuck Joshua Harris, I'm happy to hear he's not a Christian anymore.

Anyway, what else is going on in my life? I'm in my 6th year working for ALTA, which is alright I guess. I don't know how long I expect to work for them, but I'm not in the middle of looking for other things right now. If anything, I might start working for OBS full time if the non-profit becomes a thing, but we need a lot more cash flow to make me feel confident in that. It may happen though. Trying to keep my mind open. At this point, I realize that OBS needs a leader and I don't know anyone else better suited for the job.

Right now we're still in COVID-19 lockdown. Well, sort of. Georgia is opening back up, thanks to Kemp's idiocy. I'm still staying indoors. Not because I'm terrified of getting the virus (I mean, I don't want to get it) but because I don't want to spread it around. I want to be part of the population that actually does what the CDC says, not the part that thinks "oh, everybody else will do it, it's okay if I break the rules a little bit." I'm nothing if not a rule follower. :/

Working from home isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Standup is a solid motivating force to keep me productive. I don't think I'm as productive as I would be if I worked in an office, but I'm not useless, at least. I kind of feel a little bit like a blob spending 95% of my day sitting in this chair in front of my computer, and it's probably not healthy. Fortunately my personality is such that I can deal with being isolated and indoors for extended periods of time without feeling antsy.

I'm still seeing a counselor. I used to see Jessica but she moved on from the Link and now I'm seeing a guy named Mark. He's alright, I guess. It's useful to talk to somebody about some of the shit that I feel and get some feedback on my thoughts.

Anyway, that's more or less a snapshot of my life right now. I know myself well enough to make no promises about future posts, but I really hope I don't forget about this blog. Ideally I'd like to use it more. It would be nice for myself if I would remember it. Maybe I can do Future Ben a favor for once.

Fucking Dreams About Fucking

Written in Visual Studio so it looked like I was coding.

/*
* I had a crazy dream last night, the kind whose emotions linger beyond the dream. You know, like something happened that was really important
* to me and meant a lot somehow, even though it didn't really happen at all. What's worse is that I know these "false" emotions eventually fade
* away after a few hours, or in some intense situations, a day or two (it's happened to me before). So I know being distraught over what I
* I dreamed is silly, especially because it DIDN'T FUCKING HAPPEN. However, I just feel like I need to write it down, or at least the part
* that I remember and is making me feel all weird.
*
* I don't really remember wherre I was. I was inside some sort of building. Maybe it was a house, as I know there were bedrooms in it. But for
* some reason, I remember it being a theater, also. Several things happened that I don't remember, but the part that I did remember is that
* Claire Burns was there, and we were talking. I think she wanted me to see a movie, or she wanted to show one to me, or she wanted to go
* see one with me, or something. We were talking, and I declined for whatever reason. She seemed disappointed, and left. I started walking away
* when it occurred to me that she might have wanted to spend time with me for more than friendly reasons. I turned around and decided to find
* her. She had gone into a bedroom, and the door was cracked open a little. I heard her inside masturbating and moaning, in a very sad way.
* For whatever reason, I determined that the best thing to do at this point was walk in on her, so I pushed open the door. She was almost
* completely naked, maybe wearing a shirt that had been rolled up above her breasts, and maybe waring socks, but that's it. She looked up at
* me with surprise, and tried to cover herself up somewhat, but her hands and arms could only do so much. She apologized (why would she
* apologize to ME?) and I did my best to look at her in the face instead of her body. I reassured her that it was OK, and I said that humans
* are sexual creatures by nature, and to deny that would be to deny one's self. Then we started walking together, and that's where I woke up.
*
* God, that feels stupid reading that. It's so disrespectful to Claire and how I know her, too. I always had a slight crush on her, but
* that's irrelevant to the fact that my dream placed her into a situation that I might find in a porno. It was very much a sort of fantasy,
* and it makes me very worried for how I think of relationships deep down. Do I objectify women so much?
*
* I dunno. I just needed to get this stupid dream off my chest so I could work. I'm sure I'll look back on this and laugh/vomit. Ugh.
*/