Testing Out Voice Journaling

It's the night of the superbowl. Lately I've been in a real funk. I don't really know how to describe it. I'm raelly tired, I don't feel like doing anything. It's like, I'm just sitting on the floor and there's no reason to get up - I just want to sit there...just totally, whatever I feel like doing at the moment, you know? And then spiritually speaking I guess it hasn't been that great. Last few days it's been totally, blatently a routine type of quiet time where I was just doing it because I had to. Yesterday, I thing I pretty much just "did it" - I don't really think I had one.

So I guess for a lot of this afternoon I knew God was calling me to spend time with him, but I was kinda rejecting him, you know? Well, not really rejecting hom, just finding other things to take up my time instead of Him, which is seldom a good thing. So during the Superbowl I was sitting there watching and eating too much and I just was really feeling that God was calling me to go talk with Him and I was like, "Aaauugghh, I don't want to." But I knew it was something I needed to do, so I made myself get up. I wasn't really that interested in the game anyway - I wasn't feeling that great, was feeling kinda tired.

So I went out to the Secret Garden just to have a chat, and I was saying all this stuff and was saying "God why cant I give myself over to you like I want to? Why can't I hear from you? What is this funk I'm in?" I read Psalm 42 and 43 - "Why are you downcast, O my soul?" What is this "thing" that I'm in? What is this dumb funk that's here for no reason? I believe he spoke to me 2 things mainly. One thing, talking about being a slave, or a soldier rather, asn what that mentality's like. 1 Corinthians 9 talks about running the race and running as if you were trying to get the prize. It lead into "I beat my body and make it my slave" and that whole deal.

The other thing was talking about how if I'm doing stuff out of willpower it's always going to fail eventually. So if I rely on my will to get things done, to do what I'm supposed to do, then I'm always going to mess up. So I was looking for a different reason, and I think that reason is more like the concept of "What are you doing, and does it matter in eternity? Like, when I'm at my job and I don't have anything to do (or at least I think I don't have anything to do), is what I'm doing going to matter in eternity if I sit there and read Slashdot and toothpastefordinner and MySpace and Xanga and all that stuff when I know I'm supposed to be doing something that really matters. It's not about what I want to do - it's about what matters. I'm just kinda meditating on that, in a way. What you do matters in eternity. As far as diciplining my body and my flesh - why do we do an endurance LTE? Why do they make us exercise four times a week? Why do they have us go through ESOAL? It's not because they have fun watching go through a bunch of stuff (I mean, I'm sure it is fun but that's not the reason). It must have something to do with the fact that when we physically exert our bodies and do things that we don't necessarily like...you know the discipline muscle concept...I guess they know that beating your body and making it your slave does something that matters - it trains you to do something that matters.

Is what you're doing going to matter for eternity? This life is a second, a whisp of air and then it's gone. We spend so much work on this 70-year span of time, we always forget what really matters, don't we?

I'm going to live my life for eternity.