Real

Real. What is real?

Tonight was a good Monday night service. Ron talked about the dangers of civilized faith, kind of like a "Barbarian Way" deal. Then we went into a time of worship where we were just free and undignified.

Well, we were supposed to be.

I've got this thing against emotionalism. I'm not saying tonight was an exercise in emotionalism, though I'm sure it was for some.

What's going through my mind right now is this: in that room, there were two kinds of people. The people of Type A were those who have had an experience with God, and their free worship came out of love and thankfulness. There were also the people of Type B, who really liked the sermon, and then tried to act it out by having a wild emotional time of worship. And I'm sure they really mean it. But in my experience, it's always temporary. Emotions always are. It has happened to me time and time again. After mission trips, ATFs, summer camps, whatever. I feel good for an average of 1-2 weeks and I'm back. Why?

It's emotional. A fleeting feeling.

This is what I'm sick of. Emotionalism. Hendrix calls it "Christapalooza." Tom Tanner emotional altar calls "prayer orgies."

I/we've got it the wrong way around. Instead of seeking God in the emotional highs, we need to find him somewhere else. I want to see God like Moses saw him. I need to experience God. The disciples did. Paul did. Moses did. John the Baptist did. Ezekiel did. Isaiah did. Samuel did. David did. All these people first had an experience with God, then got crazy. The emotion was a result of seeing God for real. And it didn't wear off.

Where is that? I need it! I want it! Why do I not have it? Doesn't God want to know me? Doesn't he want me to love him and worship him from the truth in my heart? Why is the hardest journey the 18 inches from my head to my heart?

I know it, but I don't get it.

Honestly, it makes me really mad. It's dumb.

"What the heck? Why would you dare hide yourself from me? How ludicrous! Here I am, desiring you, and you hide?"

This is not fun. I'm starting to get frustrated. Check that: I've been frustrated. For months. Apparently I'm missing something that's obvious to others. What am I missing? What am I doing wrong? Is there a prayer I'm supposed to pray? Do I need to change a mindset? Do I have to fast? Do I have to do anything at all? What lies am I living under? Someone help!

I've been searching all the answers people have given me and nothing's coming up that makes sense or seems to fit. I'm not looking for a cliche answer. And I fear no one can give the answer to me.

I'm so confused.