Dear God...

So it's been a while.

I have to admit, this feels a bit awkward, writing to God, as if You don't already know what I'm about to type. But it's so hard, praying. I get very distracted, very easily. And I never feel like I'm praying the right way, with the right technique and the right convictions. It's too artificial, like I'm trying too hard. Like I'm trying to squeeze it out, shutting my eyes, clenching my fists, gritting my teeth, ggrrrr, pray, dangit! It's silly.

So I thought I'd write it. At least then I'd have more time to streamline thoughts through the slowdown of transferring the thoughts from my head to my hands. Perhaps things would make more sense to me anyway.

So yes. Where was I? Oh yeah.

Hi.

I'm not really sure where to go after that. It's like seeing someone you haven't seen in a while, but that someone is someone you never really knew very well, or were very close to, and so there's not much to talk about, because the weather is off limits, since the someone I'm talking to invented the weather.

But at the same time, that's completely false. I have so much to talk about, to get off my chest, to sort out. I'm not even sure where to begin, or what's the most important, or most relevant...

I'll start here: Since graduating and having the quiet time requirement lifted, I've come to a point in my life where, spiritually, I'm as independent as I've ever been. And sadly I've chosen the fall-flat-on-my-face road. I was left to see what of myself was real. What I discovered, after four months of struggling, failure, and defeat, was that You were not the Lord of my life. Even more, I've never really desired You. As much as I never wanted to be in this place (and I really never wanted to be in this place), I finally faced the fact that most of my spiritual life I've been fake. I've been putting on an elaborate show. I don't enjoy God.

That's kind of the thing I've been harping on the last few weeks. But I'm not entirely sure that's all of it. I mean, I know that it's a big part of what I believe my situation is, but what about my response? I mean, it's not like I haven't know how to get out of this "funk" (for lack of a better word). And even if I didn't know how, I never mad any move anywhere. I never tried anything.

God, I feel like a giant loser. A schmo. I haven't taken and steps towards you. I haven't made any progress. I've only been standing still, and that means I've been moving backwards. I'm not willing to do the work. I don't have the discipline. The measly desire that I do have for the things of you is waning, and the more it wanes the more I want to do whatever I feel.

Now, I want to live a life that's honest with myself - no more games, no more facades. But I don't want to life a life given over to my every whim in an effort to be "true to myself." That will lead to the wrong place.

But any place outside of God is the wrong place! Right? I mean, I know that to be true, in my head, taking others' words for it. But apparently I don't really believe it, since I'm not acting upon it.

I'm so confused...I've been confused for a long time...I hate living my life like this. God, I need your help! If ever before, God, I need You! I don't want to live a wasteful, fake life. I don't want to live a bad life, away from what I know is best. But it has been so hard for me to do the work to build that relationship...It doesn't excite me. I don't get passionate about it.

But...

It's still true. You are still true. You are still God. You are in control. There is no one over you. You love me. You died for me. You seek to have your name glorified in the world. I have a part to play in that.

That's the truth.

So now what? What do I do?

I have to. I have to make a plan. I must change. It's not an option, unless I'm fond of dying and burning in hell.

And there's no time to waste. I have to know you as soon as I can, so I don't miss anything more. So what am I going to do?

Well, I could break down and actually read the Bible. But I need a different attitude toward it. I love the way Phil Joel was talking tonight. He didn't use words like "quiet time" or "devotions." He just talked about having a relationship with God and taking the Bible seriously and actually reading it and getting life, even if it takes a while, and even if you have to work at it.

I've known that that was the "answer" all along.

Now, I don't want this to be a false, emotionally charged decision. If I'm going to do this, I have to be serious. I have to make a real commitment.

Here it is: God, I want to know you. I know that you are the most important thing in the world. I know that i can't life without you. I know that you are all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving. And I know that the best way to grow a relationship with you is by reading your words and spending time in prayer.

So, God, I sit before you, right now, at this keyboard gleaming from my halogen light, at 11:08 pm on Monday, January 22nd, 2007, saying that I want to know you so bad, i will actually do something about it. I will actively do things that will make me love you more.

Help me, God. I do not underestimate you in this. I know you will give me your grace.

"The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting, it has been found difficult and left untried."
--G. K. Chesterton

"Open wide my door, My Lord, My Lord. Do whatever makes me love you more, while there's still light to run towards."
--mewithoutYou



Ben